I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
