It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
