My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
