I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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