just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
