I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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