The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
pray to the hookup gods
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
