Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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