Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
we should paint friendship bongs
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