And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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