I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
