Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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