Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
