Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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