my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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