Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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