she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
