At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
