K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
