Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
