you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
