The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
