i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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