the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
