You just made me feel so damn special
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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