My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
