That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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