when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
