She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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