does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
