I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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