the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
