the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
