I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
