I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize