He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
