he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
