I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
