Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My liver just had a heart attack.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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