You're my little dorito
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
