the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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