PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize