now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
