you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
