you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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