I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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