just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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