I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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