That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
