So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
