My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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