So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
