Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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