No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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