wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
