Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
