go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
