Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
