The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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