Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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