I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
