i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
