Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
