I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
