remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
