Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
