So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
